It’s been about a month and a half since things all came raining down on my head on the personal front, and left quite a mess in its wake. For all those who have been supportive throughout, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for having come out of the woodwork. It’s been a very eye-opening experience for me, to say the least.

I know there’s a very long road ahead to continue working on the elements of this whole mess which I was responsible for having handled so poorly. It was my own fault for not having taken care of things which meant most to me (a tendency which spans across far more than just my personal life), as well as for not having simply stood up for what I believed in when I should have, rather than waiting so long. I am angry at the surrounding issues/aspects which influenced how I acted (like faire, guild, etc.), but in the end it was my own choice to let myself be influenced and to go about things as a status quo.

I lost more than just a person who was very importaint to me, it rocked my world in a way that perhaps it’s needed for a long time (read: years). I know I’d wanted to make the changes, it’d just taken this long for me to get off my ass and choose to execute on them. Well, yes, it all blew up in my face, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not still a good time to continue to take that path. I know where the other one leads, and I’ve been through that quite enough, thankyouverymuch.

When I’d made the choice to change my focus, then everything went boom, it had the odd side effect of really all but extinguishing my passion/drive for the things in my life which had long been the staples of my ambitions (world conquest of faires, or at least a good number of them), work, and generally my characteristic never ending parade of new ideas/projects. I’m slowly getting back into the groove, and while I’m still not totally jazzed and thrilled about getting back into the saddle of that horse which has taken me across so many years of achievement (I do still have a certain resentment that I’d let my work/hobbies take up so much of my time that I neglected people in my life, but it was my not having dealt with that and better managed my time, not the faire’s), I am getting there. SLO faire this upcoming weekend will be a good first test.

I really wish I didn’t have three faires to manage in the next month, but on the other hand, perhaps it’s just the thing to try to finish my distraction from other thoughts back to the tasks at hand. I know durelle and perry and marti have been giving their all in covering for my absense, as my coworkers have at the office, but if I don’t get back into that saddle now, I fear that I never will, and worse, will lose more than just a faire or two.

As for Her, well, I wish her all the best, that still goes without saying. I’d always said I’d support her, if I didn’t, what kind of best friend was I to begin with. Perhaps something may still come one day, but it won’t be tomorrow, or next week. But for now, I’ll work on what I can (myself, and my projects), and see what I can make of myself there. Then I’ll deal the rest if and when the time should come.

I suppose over the next week I’ll start posting and get back into the vaccum of time that are the various mailing lists, project lists, and such that all inevtiably make up the pulse of the west coast faire circuit. Perhaps I should drop a note over to that group that’s looking at putting on the steampunk faire and see if they could use another hand. That might be a cool new avenue to look towards – and besides, I think I could use a few faires where I’m just middle mgmt while I get my bearings. I think I’ll hold to next year before I collect any other RenFaires or new venues.